One of the most fascinating and entertaining parts of having a blog at wordpress is the handy-dandy little statistics feature. It not only lets you obsess about your web traffic from day to day, but also allows you to see the words or phrases that readers enter into search engines which result in a visit to your blog.

Mostly, when you have a food blog, readers are looking for recipes. Popular searches may include “Jamie Oliver’s Lamb Shanks”, or “what to do with sweet potatoes”. Others are searching for slightly off-topic information, like “backpacking through Europe”, but get lured into my web for the promise of whatever recipe and post mentions my backpacking days.

All perfectly expected and understandable.

But then there are the other readers, who’s search engine inquiries provide valuable insight into the human psyche…

#1: “Why does my husband hate me?”

By far the saddest, but also the most common search term I see. It also comes in different variations, including: “Why does my husband hit me?”, “Why do I hate my husband?”, and “My husband hates that I am fat.” Do I find this amusing? Of course not. What I do find amusing is that these people enter their sad search term, and then decide to click on a recipe for Roasted Red Pepper Marinara instead.

#2: “I think I fancy my Granma”

One really has to wonder what this confused soul was seeking when he entered this phrase into google. Confirmation that he actually did, in fact, fancy his Granma? Dude, something tells me that Jeeves can’t help you on this one.

#3: “Broccoli farts”, or “Why does broccoli smell like farts?”

Aaah, yes. The elusive broccoli fart. Inquiring minds want to know. And thanks to my blog bud, Clinton, and a comment he left on my Broccoli Soup post, the eager masses now have somewhere to turn.

#4: “my husband’s favourite recipe”

Your husband’s favorite recipe is Cajun Turkey Meatloaf with Sour Cream Mashed Potatoes and Spring Peas. He also likes walks in the park, The New York Mets, and frisbee dogs.

#5: “my grandma is a whore”

Now if I could only figure out a way to introduce #2’s Granma to #5’s Grandma…

#6: “death row last meal”

It is likely this kind of lack of imagination that landed this person on death row in the first place.

#7: “how to make myself fake faint”

This person was smart to consult my blog on this one, as they must have sensed that I do in fact possess an $80,000 degree in acting and theatrical arts. So I can tell them, drawing on my advanced stage expertise, that the way to make yourself fake faint is to hold your breath for a really really long time. Start now.

#8: “pot leaf just do it”

Amen, Sister. Amen.